Since the end of the school year is here, we wanted to end it with a good laugh!

Short

• What’s brown and sticky?

A stick

• What lights up a soccer stadium?

A soccer match

• Why can’t cows stand on their feet?

They lactose.

• What do you get when you spell MAN backwards?

Flashbacks

• Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in

• What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

• A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
• Did you know who can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

• There are two types of people in the world:
  Those who need closure
• Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
• A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, 

“Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

• Which runs faster, hot or cold?

Hot. Everyone can catch a cold.

• Why didn’t the sun go to college?
  It already had a million degrees.
• Whatdya call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

• What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

It let out a little wine.

• What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

• With great reflexes…

Comes  great response-ability.

Medium

• Me: Hey Professor, what can I do to improve my grade?

Professor: Um… it’s May.

Me: OH, sorry. What MAY I do to improve my grade?

• Never is a contraction of “not ever.” And blush is a  contraction of “bloodrush.” And studying is a contraction of “student dying.”

• However, he can’t, because the punchline is out of order.

A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line

• Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
  That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
• If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks…

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

• Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks, tell them it’s 12345678

• As I get older, I think about all the people I’ve lost on the way…

Maybe a tour guide wasn’t the right job for me.

• I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

Long

The population of the country is 300 million

160 million are retired

That leaves 400 million to do the work

There are 85 million in school

Which leaves 55 million to do the work

Of this, there are 35 million employed by the federal government

Leaving 15 million to do the work

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for the state and city governments

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work

At any given time there are 188000 people in hospitals

Leaving 1212000 to do the work

Now there are 1211998 people in prisons

That leaves just 2 people to do the work

You and I

And there you are

Sitting on your butt

At your computer, reading jokes

Nice. Real nice, you bloke.

Sources:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/